The Art of the Segue way

5 Randoms subject garnered from Tim Ross:

1. Skinny Dipping
2. Tattoos
3. Cats
4. Clouds
5. Mexican Food

It really wasn’t until I got to college that I realized that a lot of people have problems in writing English papers. They seem to adhere to an invisible set of standards like: paragraphs should be seven sentences long and they should begin with things like "the first of all”, "the second point is", “and lastly”, finally wrapping it up with an “in conclusion”. There is nothing wrong with this, but were not in high school guys, why can’t we play with the formula a little more?

It was then I realized that they not only didn’t care, but they hadn’t tasted the manic joy of turning in an insanely long avant garde English paper, with 18 paragraphs dedicated to the range of emotions you were going through whilst writing the paper, not to mention the changes in the tenses.

The English language is the most complicated language in the world and is governed by a very inconsistent set of rules. This means there are endless permutations of words and phrases, double entendres, and irony, sweet sweet irony!

So as I am grading my peer’s essays, it seems there is one art form that many of them have failed to master or even play around with. The art I am referring to (if you haven’t already guessed) is the art of the Segue way. And for your reading pleasure I will now demonstrate this highly underutilized art.


Skinny-dipping is the act of removing all of your clothes, sometimes sober, and jumping into a body of water or in some cities a vat of Jell-O. But for this article we will remain in the water. It is a highly popular activity with young people from the northern part of the country while they are in Florida or Mexico, because they are not used to large bodies of water that are not frozen blocks of ice. Women especially get really into it, because they are usually filmed doing this and they are really love the idea of living with the knowledge that somebody somewhere has footage of them naked. But skinny-dipping is not only a fun activity for young people from Michigan, for some it’s a way of life. Take nudist colonies for example. While an all to obvious pick, you cannot deny that they are the prominent force in mainstream skinny-dipping. The nude movement has spread across the country, firm in their beliefs in hanging around. Of course a natural extension of this would be swimming. We have all wished we could have unseen the footage, forty to seventy year old men and women in their late fifties doing the breaststroke and playing Marco polo. Watching those Wal- mart greeters and their old and faded sailor jerry tattoos…

While we are on the subject I was just reading up on an article on Sailor Jerry and his many Tattoos and how influential he was. He apparently didn’t like Lyle Tuttle, who designed many of Janis Joplin’s tattoos. He called them “Hippie Tattoos”. I am sure that was meant to be more insulting than it sounds nowadays. But today his influence can be felt, as many youngin’s have embraced tattoos as a form of self-expression. Just look at my siblings, especially my sister who has several on her butt. I wonder if she ever looks in the mirror at them and thanks Sailor Jerry, she should. How awkward would that be to walk in on your sister looking at her ass in the mirror.

I mean I have a new found respect for my cats for this very reason. They see some of the weirdest shit, and it has to be totally out of context. I mean there they are just minding their own business, walking in from outside and there I am in my underwear, with the furniture pushed to all sides of the house practicing my seizure man dance to Erasure. I can’t help it, STOP is just a fucking kick ass song. Think about all the weird shit in your lives. Then just have someone walk in on it. I mean that has got to be a cat’s life, bearing witness to our behavior when we are alone. Now I know why they prefer to sit in windowsills.

If you think about it, it’s not a bad place to be. You get warmed by the sun, watch all the strange happenings out on the street and get to see all the different cloud formations. I catch myself looking at clouds all the time nowadays. One of the perks of living in Florida is that during Hurricane season the sky looks like one of those idealistic renaissance visions of heaven. And just other day I looked up and I repeated that thought in my head as I always do, and it hit me. Those clouds didn’t look like those paintings, those paintings looked like those clouds. Fuck paintings, I got the Florida sky, which moves and grows and changes color throughout the day and then fades into night. Beat that shit Louvre.

That’s right I said the Louvre doesn’t have anything on the sky. You know what else they don’t have, Mexican food. Some of the simplest and most delicious food ever conceived by man, because when you finish your meal you feel it. I am not talking about “oh, I am full that was a good meal.”(Dabs edges of mouth with the corner of his napkin). No with the Mexicans it is “Jesus!! I am FUCKING FULL! HOLY FUCKTARDS MY STOMACH FEELS LIKE A BOWLING BALL!!!”. And the fun doesn’t stop there, no that meal stays with you for days. And that is not the only reason I heart the Mexican cuisine, because I applaud anyone who supports the liberal use of sour cream.

So there you go, a baseless article on five random subjects, brought to you by the magic of segue ways.

See ya tommorow